Dani's World

  After 5 minutes of posting my last blog, I couldn't just sit still  and relax.  Being with my emotions is dangerous.  I deflect. I feel anxious that the dishes need doing, the living room is a mess and I can't justify just having some time to myself. It feels wrong. How can I put the TV on and binge on Netflix to escape and unwind when I have so much to do and I can't waste my time not making the house perfect for when Noah comes home. Self care... I want to loose weight  I've been doing great.  I lost 3 stone. I gained 1 stone of it back  from comfort eating. I'm torn between a healthy breakfast or pancakes. I made pancakes. I wrote, "I love you" on them with whipped cream between washing up dishes. I didn't finish cleaning the kitchen but I made myself watch Netflix and eat them.  Between episodes I had to get up and clear up the living room. Anxiety driving every move and decision. I pick up my guitar and continuie to learn wonderwall but...

  I wake up and tell myself each morning I'm going to beat this. Today is going to be a good day. I give my day to God. Noah wakes, I'm grateful for my son. I give thanks to God. I tell him, "today is going to be a good day son". Thoughts of the day before creep in. The words of a loved one telling me I hurt them and I'm not "trying hard enough to change". From their perspective I haven't tried. I understand this.  In my head I strive for compassion towards them but it is overrided by my overwhelming emotions crying out for understanding and acceptance that I have in fact been trying since the first sound of "mumma" waking me up around 5am. I battle the voices of insecurity, fear and the past knocking on my door like an unwanted guest in the middle of the night, before I get to the point I make that angry text to my loved one. It is almost always the people or person I fear loosing the most that receive the emotional vomit.. . It becomes ...

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