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The guilt of time to myself

 

After 5 minutes of posting my last blog, I couldn't just sit still  and relax.  Being with my emotions is dangerous.  I deflect.

I feel anxious that the dishes need doing, the living room is a mess and I can't justify just having some time to myself. It feels wrong. How can I put the TV on and binge on Netflix to escape and unwind when I have so much to do and I can't waste my time not making the house perfect for when Noah comes home.

Self care... I want to loose weight 
I've been doing great.  I lost 3 stone. I gained 1 stone of it back  from comfort eating. I'm torn between a healthy breakfast or pancakes. I made pancakes. I wrote, "I love you" on them with whipped cream between washing up dishes. I didn't finish cleaning the kitchen but I made myself watch Netflix and eat them.  Between episodes I had to get up and clear up the living room. Anxiety driving every move and decision. I pick up my guitar and continuie to learn wonderwall but stop after 5 minutes.




The apology text to my loved one was met with a cold, fed up response. The emptiness kicks in.

I turn the TV off and think about how much I want to get done to justify my son being cared for at my parents because somehow being unwell with my disorder isn't a good enough reason.  That's how I feel.

My anxiety continues, wishing for someone to do something or say something to make it go away.

My best friend called and offered to meet. I always love seeing her and I said yes straight away but then my heart started racing and I apologised and said, "I'm sorry, I just can't today... I'm not ok mentally".

The sun has come out. Usually I jump up and go in to my garden but I'm laying on my sofa lifeless writing my blog and wishing this cloud to lift.

How can I get myself better before collecting Noah? Time is limited, my anxiety is overwhelming and I the person I want to love me has given up on me.

What next?....

Have I given up on me?...



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