Can someone with EUPD be in a happy relationship?...
I am a 40yr old woman with EUPD, so I feel qualified to answer this question however, from the off, I want to say that this is just my opinion based on my own personal experiences.
The answer is quite simply, yes. We are still people, with our individual personalities and idiosyncrasies and like all relationships, the success or failure of one is based upon the two people involved. It is through the art of communication, the understanding of each others wants and needs, and the ability to accept whatever flaws they have that will decipher the potential of a 'happy relationship' or not.
That isn't to insinuate that there is a 50/50 responsibility on the success of the relationship. Whether it is good or bad, it is never 100% one sided, anyone who claims this to be the case is neither educated or experienced in either subjects.
EUPD, as with all personality disorders are highly complexed and is not a 'one size fits all' when it comes to traits or recovery, so it is naive of anyone to claim they understand the disorder by their experience being in a relationship with one person who has it or through reading books/googling.
What we can say and what we do know about EUPD/BPD is that it is "too much" for the sufferer. We love too much, hurt too much, feel too much, think too much. It is experiencing life in a very different gear to the rest of the world, so when we enter in to personal relationships, we are 'on fire' with our emotions. This can be challenging for the person who wants to be with us but it is not impossible and this is what I want to go in to next...
Do not try to tell us you understand how we are feeling. You cannot possibly without having the disorder.
Do validate how we are feeling by saying something similar to you can "only imagine how difficult that must be to feel that way, but I can assure you XYZ is not the case and XYZ is" and be loving with your response. A loving touch, hug or sentiment from a genuine place can bring the person in a heightened state down to 'base level' (where a healthy mind would be at).
Analogy
If you were to see your loved one on fire, would you wrap them in a fire blanket or pour gasoline on them?...
Think about this as that is the choice you have in the moment you make your choice on how to handle your loved one who is in pain, (whether is real or imaginary to you it is very real to them).
When the person with the disorder is in pain, they are feeling like their skin is on fire from their intense emotions. This pain makes them unable to rationalise. Trying to help them by reassuring them and giving them the comfort they need will bring the heightened state down. It is only then that they can mentalise and see things rationally. You cannot get through to them if they are in the 'red zone' where emotions are high. IN FACT by doing so you may make them even worse.
One would argue, that it is not the place of the other to take on this kind of 'abuse' and that they must 'pay for the consequences of their actions' and try to 'teach them a lesson' by being cruel back and raising their trigger points in an attempt for them to have a 'taste of their own medicine'. This type of personality or character should not attempt to be in a relationship with someone with EUPD or any mental health illness as they will make them worse with this approach and could push them to deteriorate in that moment or God forbid over the edge.
You cannot punish a person in to recovery. This comes from a military mindset of thinking one can be held accountable for something they had no control over; a disorder that was brought upon through trauma, (sometimes multiple) and 'kick them back in to the place' of health and 'normal' mind via experiencing a similar pain to what they had to get them there in the first place. This is a dangerous approach.
If this is you, then the kindest thing you can do for that person is to walk away and accept you are not able to manage being with someone who has 'EUPD/BPD'.
You do not have to take abuse or deal with them but you also have no right to expect them to change under your command or negative approach because they are working with what they have been dealt. Whether you want to believe it or not , they did not choose to have their disorder any more than a person with a physical illness did but you are choosing this way in retaliation. It is a disasterous combination.
So, what kind of person can someone with a personality disorder be with? What characteristics should they have to enable this potential relationship to flourish?
First you have to decide if you are truly invested in this person. Any form of ambiguity or uncertainaty can trigger the sufferer in to an 'episode' followed by their 'script' of pushing you away. They may also make attempts to lure you in by accepting any small form of affection from you which later on only results in resentment when they feel devalued/cheapened from your offerings of 'scraps of love' or 'affection at arms length'.
If you answer yes then continue on....so you are invested in this person with EUPD/BPD. How much do you want to make it work?
Find out what triggers them and talk to them about it when they are in a neutral place, (neither heightened or underwhelmed/dissociating) and ask what would help in that scenario. You won't get it right the first time and it may take several different approaches to find the right way forward, but if you love them it will be worth it. So don't give up.
It is exhausting for the person without the disorder to be with someone who is so 'up and down', and it is understandable why the person with the disorder fears abandonment so much, (they have experienced this numerous times and most often in their formative years). They believe that eventually everyone else that comes along will do the same. If you are uncertain, then don't explore this road. You need a lot of patience, resilience, emotional maturity and kindness to be able to manage this relationship and it does take a special kind of person.
The responsibility on the person with the disorder is to keep trying to improve, to ask for help, to communicate and attend therapy. There is no cure, it is an illness you learn to manage and in a way that person who chooses to be with them, has to understand what they are taking on. If you love them, you love them with all the wonderful qualities and all their 'ugly'. You choose to be part of the healing or part of the reason they loose trust and hope.
Whichever one you choose, whether you stay or leave, do it with kindness, do it with accountability and do it with the understanding of all of the above, and hopefully there will be fewer casualties out there.
Remember, not all personality disorder sufferers exhibit the same traits, and there is no single person who can claim to know the illness inside and out with all it's complexities. The professionals in this field are growing more and more knowledgeable over time,so there is hope.
This is not a 'guide to loving someone with EUPD/BPD' but my contribution to what I have experienced, which I hope may help someone out there.
With love and understanding
Danielle x
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