Inside my #EUPD mind

 

I wake up and tell myself each morning I'm going to beat this. Today is going to be a good day. I give my day to God.

Noah wakes, I'm grateful for my son. I give thanks to God. I tell him, "today

is going to be a good day son".

Thoughts of the day before creep in. The words of a loved one telling me I hurt them and I'm not "trying hard enough to change". From their perspective I haven't tried. I understand this. 

In my head I strive for compassion towards them but it is overrided by my overwhelming emotions crying out for understanding and acceptance that I have in fact been trying since the first sound of "mumma" waking me up around 5am. I battle the voices of insecurity, fear and the past knocking on my door like an unwanted guest in the middle of the night, before I get to the point I make that angry text to my loved one. It is almost always the people or person I fear loosing the most that receive the emotional vomit.. . It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, they do go and I don't blame them. This is my "safe place". I am familiar and it has no ambiguity. I can stay there in the comforting knowledge, "I was right!" And avoided them hurting me because I got there first. Sadly the comfort lasts all of a passing moment and I'm back to the start. Begging for forgiveness,  willing to take all the blame and ready to accept them for everything they have done and said or even If I was, in fact right! Just so I can feel wanted and loved. Their response or lack of, defines my self worth. I know, it is not healthy.  I know the script; I've played it out for over 25 years.

I wake up, craving the love and security from that person I've hurt. Knowing I have no right to it from my destructive behaviors.
So I keep on battling the thoughts and challenging my emotions, I stop myself a 100 times throughout the day before I finally give in and send 'that text'. That choice is not the right one but by this point the exhaustion of fighting them beats me and It comes as a release of the tension.  A moment of feeling less pain in my existence and inner being.  I've let it all out. I've accused my loved one and I've now felt better. I don't believe anything they say. I don't believe them based on my past experiences with them and with others..I want them to stay away from me like a scared animal who does not want the human within 10ft of them. I am desperately trying to avoid abandonment, rejection  and betrayal. My script continues.

In those moments, I forget the guilt and shame that quickly follows after. What if I was wrong? But what if I was right? Either way, If I push them away then I can't get hurt. The battle is not just in my head and heart.. it is in my entire body, burning to come out and destroy anyone in its path.

Breathe. Just breathe. This too shall pass. Focus on your blessings, pray to God, ask for help, listen to music, write, reach out.  I do everything I can to calm my emotions.  Some days, I win, some days, when I'm hormonal or tired from the challenges of motherhood with a toddler I loose. The days I loose are followed with more pain from retracted affection from the person l have hurt. I understand it. I'm emotionally intelligent and self aware.  I watch the train crash happening whilst also being the driver. I want to get off the train. So I detach myself from people. My other, "safe place". To be alone and hide. To not feel anything.  A blank canvas. I'm in my emotionally void cave. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I'm not looking for anything.  I'm just sat with myself and my thoughts, feeling nothing.

I am in this empty space right now. I am tired and hiding. I am thankful for my parents who are looking after my son today. 

My disorder is resting until it starts all over again...

The never ending story. Maybe this chapter will be different but I'm not able to see it or work on it right now. 

Self care...

Next blog I hope to give an insight on how I turned it around and got back up but I'm just not there yet. 

Tbc...